Vile Euphemisms
--an oxymoronic term on its surface (see definition following) but one that radiates persistently, especially in the business and political world.
Euphemism: (From the Greek prefix, “eu” meaning “better” or “well” plus the Greek base word, “pheme” meaning “word” or “speech.”) Simple Webster’s definition: Using a more polite or gratuitous word or phrase as a substitute for a harsher, more direct and accurate term.
This writer, unabashedly, has never been part of the euphemistic world. He tells it like it is and calls it by name, succinctly and accurately, regardless of any resulting emotional or psychological disturbances by the reader or listener.
Abundant euphemisms utilized in the business world have always served as a direct source of nebulous nausea to this writer. Applying for a car loan, he was once told by the “Loan Officer” that he could be “awarded” a “low” interest rate of 14%. “In other words,” he responded, “you, as a simple high-school graduate, with only a brief, few weeks’ crash course in credit union finances, designating you now as a “Loan Officer,” can slam me with a whopping high interest of 14%, regardless of my thirty-plus years of faithful payments in all of my loans with the credit union? What happened to your T.V. commercial’s “Low interest rate of 2%?”
“Well, sir, our fine print below the commercial, clearly states ‘for qualified buyers.’ The ad’s 6-line fine print is purposely shown on the T.V. screen as illegible."
"Define for me a ‘qualified buyer.’ A perfect credit report score is 850. If mine is 849, I am instantly labeled as an ‘unqualified’ buyer? How many 'qualified buyers' have you sold cars to in the past month? Your 'qualified buyers' is a gimmick for your euphemistic enticement-ad.”
How well he remembers arriving early for his mother-in-law’s “viewing” at the funeral home. “Where is Jean?” he asked the funeral director.
“She’s still in the ‘Slumber Room.’ We haven’t brought her out yet to the viewing room.”
“Oh, she’s still sleeping? I thought she was really dead. I sure hope she wasn’t just sleeping when you injected her with the embalming fluid.”
…and his visit to the Vet’s office: “Sir, your dog has a terminal illness in its progressive stages. Do you want us to ‘put him down’?”
“Of course I want you to put him down – off the exam table so I can take him home and spend some more loving last days with him.”
…and his infinite visits in late years to numerous car dealerships: “I want to take a look at your used cars.”
“Sir, we only sell ‘Pre-owned’ cars.”
“Oh, so they were never used? The owners just bought them,
kept them in their driveways for decorative purposes, and then decided to trade them in for new cars?”
…and his visit to the attorney’s office: “I love your ad in the paper, ‘Attorney-at-Law.’ Educate me. What is an ‘Attorney-Not-At Law? Better yet, what’s the difference between an attorney and a lawyer? Also, if you’re a criminal lawyer as you advertise, I want to make sure you’re not synonymous with a criminal politician.”
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No, the minimum-waged garbage collector or street cleaner is not a Sanitary Engineer.
Euphemistically speaking, “Thousands mourned his passing.” Dysphemistically speaking they simply, accurately “mourned his death.” He died. Period. No one, including the deceased himself, could’ve done anything to stop it. Gruesome and grievous for family and friends? Yes, but blatantly truthful.
No, Sally, you’re not paying membership fees for your “Image Enhancement Club.” Poignantly, it’s a Weight-Loss club because you yourself have recognized that you’re simply fat, and you have finally recognized that your euphemistic “obesity” is causing – or will soon cause – you infinite problems.
For the Nazi regime of WW II, it was the euphemistic “Final Solution” to eradicate the entire Jewish citizenry (and all other religious or political anti-government entities) and to which the survivors and historians in later years euphemistically labeled “The Holocaust.” Dysphemistically, it was the “Final Mass Murder.” Comparably, many diverse military regimes in our twenty-first century still employ such euphemisms as “Enhanced Interrogation” (torture); “Collateral Damage (the intended/unintended bombing of innocent civilians); Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (Shell-Shock); Incontinent Ordnance (out of control artillery); Non-operative Personnel (dead soldiers); Surgical Strikes (specific, accurate bombing targets); Neutralize (to kill), etc.
Bill O’Reilly, the national syndicated Head-Host of Fox’s News Channel, “The O’Reilly Factor,” periodically mentions his not-so-memorable experience with his grade-school teacher telling him point blank, “William, you are a bold, fresh piece of humanity.” As despicable as O’Reilly is all too often in his accusations, baseless opinions, and aggressive, obnoxious interruptions, he must be given praise and adulations for one reason: He refuses to depart from his signature, steadfast stance: “Tell it like it is.”
