American Express Addendum Info for credit card new applicants:
Please be cognizant that we are a bank, and therefore, we are automatically members of the American Taliban Business World, which operates under the following dictates: 1-The credit report(s) we obtain from any/all credit reporting agencies is the deity. Regardless of its inaccurate score, you, the consumer, are responsible for its accuracy or inaccuracy; however, we will not give you the opportunity to refute any information on the report(s). Any of life’s fates that may have befallen you or so-called “Acts of God” (whatever they may be) that were the cause of your score, we will not question since it is of no concern to us. Your score is your score which reflects not only a useless number, but also your socio-economic status in life, the latter of which we will hasten to utilize for adulation or condemnation purposes, usually the latter, under the euphemistic label, “Denied.” 2-A perfect credit rating score is 850. Few, if any, Americans have such a score. If your score is 849.99 or below, this reflects a negative factor on your total score and we will utilize it to our advantage and your total disadvantage. Please be assured of the latter. 3-As with Capital One, City Bank, and our many other Taliban Business World Banking vile fellow cronies, kindly be cognizant of the fact that you are in insignificant number in a depersonalized computer. You, the customer, exist for one purpose only: To skyrocket us to the Boardroom each month to give our CEO and his hierarchal venomous puppets additional/annual justification for -- and increases of -- their million-dollar salaries, with their well-hidden, additional perks, and to keep our shareholders content. Consequently, although we will give you a toll-free number to call for our “personalized service,” you will, as usual, have to travel the labyrinth of 18 menus (none of which will apply to your query or problem) – after you press 1 for English, of course. In 30-45 minutes, one of our pleasant receptionists will be on the line to talk to you, a conversation which will “be recorded for quality purposes”; however, please understand that said receptionist will be a minority (to increase our profits by keeping her at a minimum salary) who will unabashedly manifest a foreign accent and who will barely be able to communicate in intelligible, basic English. For further assistance, please call our toll-free number: 1-800-SCREW.
Sincerely,
4-We clearly state that the “Annual Membership fee” is $25.00, which is an additional sign of our attempts to drain your wallet. This absurd membership fee affords us to pay our secretarial personnel the massive amount of time, namely the five seconds it requires to slap keys on our depersonalized computer, to record your payments. Our “Late Payment” gouging fee is also clearly stated at a whopping $35.00, as is the “Returned Payment” penalty of $38.00. Although this is a blatant crime ethically and morally, as an established American Taliban Business entity, we are allowed by law to impose these penalties, although we hasten to agree with most consumers they are oxymoronic in substance: You may ask: “If the customer’s bank account is so low that the customer cannot/could not make the minimum payment on time or does not have sufficient funds in his/her bank account to cover the required amount, why would we add on such absurd penalties and fees?” We hasten to respond: “Reference #3.”
5-We clearly state on the application form that “We may change the terms of, or add new terms to, the Card Member Agreement at any time.” Therefore, the interest rates, penalty fees, membership fees, etc. can be increased two to four weeks after we do you the favor or accepting you as a member – all subject to – and justified with our toxic phraseology of -- “as applicable by law.” (It is irrelevant to us – one of the main facets of our skyrocketing profits -- that most consumers have no knowledge of what the law dictates. We know that. It is not our problem.) This will be in microscopic print, in approximately a 2-point font, at the bottom of your next statement. Please have your 400x magnifying glass available when reading your statement.
We want to welcome you as a potential customer to our American Taliban Business World banking industry whereby you give us, as with thousands of other pathetic, foolish members, the opportunity to shaft you and your emotional. psychological, and financial present security, however little or great that may be. We are ecstatic in reminding our potential customers that we abide by our American Taliban Business World motto: “The dollar-deity is the priority. Everything and everybody else is secondary.” We take pride in the fact that it is virtually impossible that we care less.
We politely request that you do not submit, as many of our potential, non-duped customers have, a miniature tube of Vaseline with your application. We get the message.
Sincerely,
American Express New Card Membership Department(Anonymity is also a priority of the ATBW. Therefore, personalized names are purposely omitted in any/all of our uncaring, form letters.)
Note: Preceding-Fictional American Express letter-written specifically and deliberately by WJK-June-2010 (returned to Amer. Ex. in Amer. Ex. SASE with ripped up application form.)
